They wrote what?!

(link zur deutschen Übersetzung: hier)

Disclaimer: Die Figuren aus Star Wars gehören George Lucas. Diese Fanfiction dient der Unterhaltung und ist ohne jedes finanzielle Interesse. Verantwortung und Copyright für den Inhalt der Geschichte verbleiben beim jeweiligen Autor.Eine Verletzung von Urheberrechten ist nicht beabsichtigt.

Setting: The main characters from the first two movies of the New Trilogy are lounging around a long conference table piled high with stacks and stacks of fanfic. Everyone is reading with avid interest. At various points the faces around the table reflect horror, disgust, amusement, puzzlement, anger and confusion.

AOTC Obi Wan (picking up another fic and glancing at the Warning listed just below the title): Anyone know what 'slash' is?

Jar Jar: Oooh, mesa tinks...

Everyone: Shut up, Jar Jar.

After a few moments -

Qui Gon: Uh, who is Boba Fett?

AOTC Obi Wan: A small character in Attack of the Clones.

Qui Gon: Then why does he warrant an entire saga based around his character?

When no one answers him, Qui Gon shrugs, discards ‘The Fett Dynasty’ and picks up a different story.

AOTC Obi Wan: Ewwwwwwwww! (Putting down the slash fic in disgust, reaching for another one while grumbling to himself) Just because I never had an onscreen love interest doesn't mean I'm into men.

TPM Anakin starts kicking the table leg and earns a dirty look from AOTC Anakin. A long silence, punctuated only by the sound of pages turning, reigns supreme.

AOTC Obi Wan: Is it because of my accent? Does it make me sound like a sissy?

TPM Obi Wan: Oh, for the love of....this one has me pregnant!

Laughter and some snickering erupt around the table.

TPM Obi Wan: It's NOT funny! (pausing to thumb through a few more pages) Seriously, what are these people thinking? I mean, besides the impossibility of that particular biological condition happening to the human male, it's just plain disturbing.

Qui Gon (desperately trying to keep a straight face): The most important question, my young Padawan, is who's the lucky father-to-be?

TPM Obi Wan (narrowing eyes at Qui Gon): Why, you are, Master.

Qui Gon (shocked): What!?AOTCAOTC Anakin (snorting and tossing the fic he's been reading back on the pile): In that one you practically prance around the Temple in heels and a dress and then some previously unheard of Original Character knocks you up.

AOTC Obi Wan (sternly): That's 'knocks you up, MASTER'.

AOTC Anakin (nodding at the youthful Obi Wan and smirking): He's not the Master of me yet.

TPM Obi Wan (reading aloud): "Obi Wan, can you feel it? Can you feel what you do to me? Yes, my young apprentice, lower, touch me lower . . . " whispered Qui Gon throatily.”

Everyone shifts uncomfortably in their seats.

Qui Gon (shaking his head gravely): That's not what I meant by the Living Force, I can assure you.

AOTC Padmé: Sex on the floor of the garage of Tatooine, against the wall, in some viewing room, in the library, on a table . . . and I have yet to get to the honeymoon! (grimacing) Well, at least Anakin is not calling me 'my love', 'baby' or 'my dearest wife' every other line. Of course he is rather busy coercing and seducing me while I bemoan my duties and responsibilities every five minutes.

AOTC Anakin (leering): Against the wall? I want to see that one when you're done.

AOTC Padmé rolls her eyes.

AOTC Obi Wan (staring at the pile of fics in front of him with a dazed look in his eyes): I think I've had sex with everyone in this room. And I do mean everyone. (Muttering quietly to himself) Obidala, Obigon, Obiani (shuddering) Obijar.

Jar Jar blinks but wisely remains silent.

Anakin (thumbing through a fanfic story with growing disbelief): I do what with my Master? Sonofabantha! He's like a father to me. It’s practically incest!

TPM Anakin: Um, should I be worried?

TPM Obi Wan (looking at the adult Anakin snidely): Now you know what it feels like.

AOTC Anakin: Yes, apparently I do know what it feels several sensitive places and numerous uncomfortable positions, pervert.

AOTC Padmé (reading aloud): "Padmé put on a tight tank top and short shorts and sauntered over to her hunky Jedi lover. Anakin smiled lustily and said "Hey babe, let's get dirty. Force honey, I really want to fuck your brains out." (groaning) Who dresses and talks like that in the Star Wars universe? Do these writers even pay attention to the movies?

TPM Obi Wan (speaking softly to himself): Do men get stretch marks?

Qui Gon (smiles happily): In this one I'm still alive and I father Anakin with Padmé.

AOTC Padmé (turning pale): But you’re old enough to be my grandfather!

AOTC Anakin and TPM Anakin glare angrily at Qui Gon.

Qui Gon (shrugging his shoulders): It's not my fault.

Everyone in unison: Wrong trilogy!

AOTC Anakin: Hey, I'm pure evil incarnate in this one. The Council would have had to be deaf, mute and blind not to see what a bad seed I am. (smiling smugly) I always suspected they had their heads up their . . .

AOTC Obi Wan and Qui Gon: Anakin!

AOTC Anakin grins sheepishly and starts reading again.

TPM Obi Wan (oblivious to surroundings): I have no ovaries. How exactly am I supposed to get pregnant without those?

AOTC Anakin: More to the point, Master. Where does the baby come out?

All the men in the room look down to their laps and then jerk their heads back up, identical expressions of pained horror spreading across each of their faces.

TPM Padmé (gasping): I am fourteen years old. I do NOT, nor will I ever, have relations with any of my handmaidens!!

Instantaneously all the men shout: I want that one next!

Threepio: I think it particularly unfair and very typical that I never get my own storyline. Artoo and I are the only characters in all six movies and my importance....

Artoo interrupts with hoots and whistles.

Threepio: Alright, alright Artoo - 'our' importance is being severely underplayed.

Artoo beeps and clicks in apparent agreement.

Both are ignored, as usual.

AOTC Anakin (reading the fic he borrowed from Padmé): Sith, could I be anymore angst filled? Waaah, waaah, I was a slave, waaah, waaah.

TPM Obi Wan: Master?

Qui Gon (flipping past pages with an uneasy expression): Don't call me that.

TPM Obi Wan: But I always call you Master, Master.

Qui Gon: It's not what you say, my young Padawan, but how you say it. (Leaning over to show Obi Wan a section of the page he has been reading)

TPM Obi Wan (reading aloud): "Ooooh, Maaaaaster." (Sputtering helplessly) But . . . but . . . this is completely inappropriate!! It's denigrating the Master/Padawan tradition and sacred bond. (pausing to glance at Qui Gon appraisingly) Besides, you're too old for me.

Qui Gon raises an eyebrow.

TPM Obi Wan (hastily adding): Not Yoda old, but still....old.

AOTC Padmé: Wonderful. Just wonderful! This one completely ignores my existence and the crucial part I play in Anakin's life, and it throws him together with some red-headed lovesick Jedi girl. (glares at Anakin jealously)

AOTC Anakin (throwing his hands up in exasperation): What? I didn't write it!

AOTC Padmé: Oh wait, it gets better. She's Obi Wan's granddaughter. (rolls eyes)

AOTC Obi Wan and TPM Obi Wan: My what?!

AOTC Padmé (sweetly): Yes, the perfect Jedi marries someone and reproduces. What happened to all that 'attachment is forbidden' poodoo?

Artoo beeps and clicks madly.

Threepio: Artoo says if anyone is interested he has special attachments. Artoo!! That is the most revolting suggestion!

No one bats an eye and all continue perusing the fics.

TPM Obi Wan (reading aloud): “Obes swished down the Temple hallway.” (Stunned silence) Swished? Swished! I. DO. NOT. SWISH!

AOTC Anakin (smirking in obvious enjoyment): Take it easy, Obes. You don’t want to upset the baby.

Palpatine: Excuse me, but I think we really need to focus on why none of these stories allow for my personal needs and . . . desires.

Qui Gon: You mean besides the few that have you lusting after the Senator?

Anakin shoots Palpatine a fierce look. Padmé looks queasy.

Palpatine: Quite. It’s appalling, really. Why would I want the woman who’s been a thorn in my side for over ten years? So much better to hire someone to just get rid . . . um, never mind.

Yoda (waving a thick sheath of papers): Missed this one, you did, Chancellor. Your love slave, Anakin is to become.

AOTC Anakin: I'm going to be sick.

Palpatine (looking hurt): It could be worse; you could go interspecies and end up with Yoda. Oh, I spoke too soon. Here's one. (evil smile spreading across his face, followed by an ominous cackle)

But when no one looks either impressed or frightened, Palpatine slinks low in his chair and pouts. Suddenly, collective groans fill the air as each character reacts to another disturbing turn in their stories.

TPM Obi Wan (rifling through the pages): A PURRING!Obi Wan? I purr now?

AOTC Padmé: Slutty, aggressive, man-eating Padmé? Please!

AOTC Anakin: Whipped, googly-eyed, sappy, virginal Anakin? I was not a virgin before I met Padmé again. Let me tell you I got plenty of . . . ow!!

Padmé smiles at Anakin innocently, her eyes flashing steel.

Qui Gon: I sleep with Shmi?!

TPM Anakin (whimpers): Mom?

TPM Padmé: Oh this is so wrong. Anakin and I have sex on the trip from Tatooine to Coruscant in The Phantom Menace? He was ten!!

TPM Anakin: What's sex? Cuz it sounds wizard!

AOTC Obi Wan: Wonderful. Terrific. Utterly believable. I seduce Padmé while my former Padawan risks his life fighting in the Clone Wars. (shaking head)

AOTC Anakin: Excuse me?!

Yoda: In a soap opera, these writers think we are.

AOTC Obi Wan: I think I much prefer the utterly preposterous 'Obi Wan is celibate' stories to the ones where I can't keep it in my pants.

AOTC Anakin (eyeing both Obi Wan’s suspiciously now): I think I speak for everyone here when I say ‘so do I’. (muttering) Swisher.

TPM Obi Wan: I heard that!

The two Jedi Padawan’s glare at each other but are distracted by a loud exclamation.

Palpatine: For Sith's sake . . . I am NOT Anakin's father! Nor am I interested in (peering at page closely) back door loving - with anyone. (looking up with a desperate gleam in his eyes) Really, I simply cannot emphasis that point enough.

Jar Jar: Uh, mesa tinks...

Everyone: Shut up, Jar Jar!